Amanda Hipkiss-Torrance
Integrative Cognitive & Energy Therapist (October 2026)
These two polarities are often discussed in my women’s circles. Where women share their experience of being told they are ‘too sensitive, too needy’ or one of my personal favourites ‘too loud’ alongside conflicting messages such as being ‘too quiet and not loud enough, not feminine enough or not sexual enough’. As women, we seem to be stuck between these contradictory expectations, in a kind of ‘no-woman’s’ land. A frustrating place where it can feel like there’s no way out.
Imagine this as a ledge that we live on for fear of falling off and hitting one of these walls on the way down. A place where we carefully weigh up every decision, interaction and every step we take in the world. Where we literally do lose ourselves to attempt to fit in with these absurd expectations.
In this space, asking (that’s if we even dare ask) becomes pleading and a ‘no’ becomes a whisper followed by an apology. We shrink, we compromise, we bend and allow, we do everything we can to avoid falling off the ledge. And I don’t know about you, but for me it feels fucking exhausting!
Understandably, many of us just stop bothering all together. And so we stay in the safety of the ledge attempting to mould ourselves to fit these ridiculous standards. Not because we are weak, have nothing to say or don’t know what we want. We stay because the alternative is risking judgment, rejection, criticism and of being misunderstood.
But at what cost?
Yes, there’s a perceived safety on the ledge but the longer we stay there, the harder it becomes to distinguish between who we actually are, our wants and needs and who we have learned to be in order to appease others.
We start to look outside of ourselves for answers. We lose touch with our innate knowing, and abandon the parts of us that have needs, as we seek permission to simply exist. Until, eventually, we become unrecognisable to ourselves and can’t see a path back.
And how did we get here?
These expectations have not just appeared out of nowhere, they are woven into our culture, passed down through generations and absorbed long before we realise it, then reinforced from birth.
Think about the messages we receive as girls ‘be nice, don’t be bossy, stay quiet’. We basically spent our childhood being praised for being a ‘good girl’ and not making a fuss and learned that keeping the peace and other people’s comfort was more important than our own.
As we grow up, these messages become rules to live by, following us into our relationships, places of work and pretty much every aspect of our lives. We start to question ourselves continually, becoming our own critic, constantly monitoring and adjusting ourselves in an attempt to be accepted. And we continue to lose ourselves in the process.
So, how do we get off the ledge?
Well, it’s definitely not in becoming better at finding that perfect balance between ‘too much and not enough’ as let’s face it, it’s a myth and in all honesty it’s fucking miserable on the ledge.
Perhaps, the first step is simply recognising what’s happening. Noticing the moments when we put ourselves on the ledge, where we bend, shrink, stay silent and question ourselves.
Then maybe, we get curious about where we learned these responses. Can trace them back to particular moments as a child? Do we notice them in the women around us? And maybe, as we start to pull at these threads we realise how interwoven this all is. Don’t panic, there’s no need to untangle everything at once, this simple awareness is where we begin to reclaim our power.
By starting to question ourselves in a different way. Such as, am I saying yes because I want this or because I am afraid of what might happen if I say no? Am I making this choice as it’s right for me or because it’s what is expected of me? Am I holding back because I have nothing to say, or am I worried about creating conflict? And at first, we might not have the answer and that’s ok.
This curiosity is where we regain our wisdom, that ‘knowing’ which was stolen from us. And it is from this place of knowing that little by little, we step off the ledge and reclaim what is rightfully ours – our voice.
What does stepping off the ledge look like?
Sometimes, it might be as simple as saying no without explanation, other times, it could be an ask that isn’t followed but an apology or allowing someone to be disappointed without abandoning ourselves to appease them. It doesn’t have to be complicated or big, we can practice on the small things as we regain our confidence.
Now, I’m not saying this is an easy journey, I still find myself on the ledge, trying to negotiate myself out of discomfort but the difference is that awareness I spoke about. Through this, I’m learning to recognise when I’m slipping back into old patterns and putting myself back on the ledge in fear of the discomfort stepping off might create.
And this is where the choice comes in, where I ask myself – do I want to do what is expected, the easy option and ‘keep the peace’ or do I want to take a risk, honour myself and sit with the uncertainty of what might happen.
And yes, sometimes I do choose to stay on the ledge, moulding myself back into that acceptable version of me, but much less than I used to and with the knowledge of what this means. This work isn’t about never finding ourselves on the ledge again, it’s about realising that when we do, we have a choice.
You invitation
If you’ve made it this far then I’m guessing that something resonates? Maybe, you’re feeling lost in that space between ‘too much and not enough’? And, maybe, you’re sick of constantly bending, measuring and filtering yourself to someone else’s expectations?
Then I invite you to take that first step back to reclaiming your power – your voice.
And the journey starts with noticing when you’re on the ledge.